She’s Just The Stork
Kelly maneuvers her minivan into a parking space, the doors open and out pile three excited children. She looks like a perfectly average suburban mom, until her bumper sticker comes into view. Gracing the back of her minivan is a black rectangle with rainbow stripes and in white lettering the words, “My uterus is an ALLY!” In 2008, Kelly was a gestational surrogate for a gay couple, an experience she happily talks about as something she has always wanted to do and something she regards as one of the most positive experiences of her life.
The decision to become a gestational surrogate was not an impulsive one for Kelly, who is a Human Sexuality instructor at a community college. Even as a high school student, she was drawn to the idea of helping someone else have a family. While attending California State University, San Francisco, one of Kelly’s closest friends was a gay man, and she told him if he ever wanted children, she would happily carry them. “Then I thought, ‘Why only for him?’” she said. With her husband’s full support, once her own family was complete, Kelly contacted Growing Generations, an assisted reproduction agency that caters mostly to same-sex couples.
The decision to work specifically with a gay couple was based on a couple factors for Kelly. First, she wanted to help a population that she thought would have a harder time finding surrogates. Kelly explained that there are not many women who choose to be surrogates, and of those there are fewer who would choose to do it for a gay couple, and even fewer whose husbands or partners would support it. Kelly felt she fit that description. Second, from reading blogs and commentaries of other surrogates, she had some hesitation about the emotional difficulties of working with a straight couple. She noticed that personality issues arose far more often when the intended parents were a man and a woman than when they were two men. She seemed pained as she explained, “There is a sort of uterine envy that seems to come about in surrogacies with straight couples.” She went on, “The mother has gone through so much before resorting to surrogacy, and watching someone else grow your child can bring out so many insecurities. That’s never a consideration with gay men.”
While Kelly stands by her reasoning for working with two men, she concedes that process did have its awkward moments. Medical forms are created with traditional families in mind. “When the form asks for age, is it mine or the egg donor’s they want? Which dad do I list first? When there’s a space for the spouse’s name, do they want my spouse or the baby’s father?” she asks. Although the paperwork sometimes presented issues, she found that by talking candidly with her obstetrician before the pregnancy she was able to make sure he would be supportive not just of her, but also the fathers. The doctor had experience working with surrogates, but never with two dads. Nonetheless, he was eager to meet them and be a part of the process. Growing Generations sent a letter to the delivery hospital, detailing the circumstances and making requests on behalf of Kelly and the parents, like separate post-partum rooms and instruction on baby care for the fathers. That preparation prevented surprises for the staff, who were very welcoming and spent a lot of time with Kelly and the new dads during their stay. “The nurses went out of their way to express their support,” she said. “They were very cool and happy and treated us like we were ambassadors.”
While it was necessary to be very open with the doctor and medical staff, Kelly found that being fully honest was not always the best policy with everyone. The people close to her knew that the pregnancy was for two men, but the conservative nature of the town she lives in made it a little uncomfortable to be totally open with everyone. In addition to teaching, Kelly runs a children’s boutique in town, and losing business was a consideration for her. While she quickly corrected acquaintances and customers who assumed the she was expecting her fourth child, explaining that she was a surrogate, she did not always share more information than that. Some curious people would ask if the parents couldn’t have kids on their own and Kelly would simply tell them that they couldn’t, which was technically accurate. When she was asked if it was her egg or the mother’s, she’d say, “Everything is theirs. I’m just the stork.” Exactly how much she revealed depended on the importance of the relationship to her.
The impact on her own children was a topic people often brought up with Kelly. She was careful to explain her surrogacy for two men to her children, ages 8, 6 and 2 ½. Kelly and her husband talked about it with the children and answered all their questions. Her children met the dads and were excited to meet the twin girls she was carrying, and clearly understood that they were someone else’s babies. The children don’t miss the babies at all, nor has Kelly noted any changes in their behavior. She laughed that it was easier on the two older children than when they brought home her youngest by far. The surrogacy did make a lasting impression on her kids, though and what her children learned from it was especially important to her. “Whether other people accept it or not, my children will grow up knowing Greg and Samir* and their girls are a family, just like ours,” she said. “They will never question what makes a family.”
The gestational surrogate experience was one in which Kelly was able to bring about many positive results. She helped two wonderful men become dads; she helped make an unusual situation more familiar for the medical staff she met; her children learned a lesson about equality that will stay with them for life. Instead looking at her experience as growing and handing over two babies, she feels like she has added the girls, plus their two dads, to her own family. She and her husband, and Greg and Samir became close friends through the process, and Kelly believes that connection they share is unlikely to ever be broken. Of their relationship, she shared, “It’s a lifelong bond. I will always care about the girls. One of the grandmas told me shortly after the girls were born, ‘You know you’ll be at their weddings some day.’ And I know I will.”
*Not their real names.
